I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
