I can't breathe out the right side of my face
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
