While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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