I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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