You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize