My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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