I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
And then he peed in my hair
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