You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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