Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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