If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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