so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
