If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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