She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize