what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
