Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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