I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
