It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
