Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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