I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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