You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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