I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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