Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
