glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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