saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
