I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
