woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
