You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize