The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize