im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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