if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
