I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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