Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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