This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
