put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
