just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
