I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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