so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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