I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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