GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
