So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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