I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I AM VODKA MAN
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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