I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
