ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize