Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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