Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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