Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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