You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
