you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
