Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
