I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
