dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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