Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
