I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I wish there were birth control emojis
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
