Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
