apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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