I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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