you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
