If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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